Getting a new Xanga. I'm sick of this one...

JESUS PEOPLE. CHILL THE FUCK OUT!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm over it. fuck it. i'll let the girl go for my ex boyfriend. he obviously doesn't want me... if he's gotta mess around with a JUNIOR.. right? heh.

i dont know why people who I DONT EVEN KNOW get involved with shit thats none of their business. OooOOO... DEATH THREATS. like, i'm REALLLLY scared of dying. i'm not. i really dont have anything to live for anymore anyways.

-lost my boyfriend, losing my friends to other friends, on the verge of no graduating, my mom is a nosey psycho bitch, supposed to go out on like 2 dates but it never happened, i can hook up my friends and it lasts.. but i cant find a good guy for myself, im going to my prom with a guy that i just met like a few weeks ago.. wanted to go with HIM but fuck it already.. especially if he's NOT going to talk to me... FOR SOMETHING I DIDNT FUCKING DO. well FUCK YOU.

i just didnt want shit to end like this. i cant stand us NOT talking...

The past week I`ve actually been HAPPY. But I guess things have changed? IDK. I`m not TOO bothered by something I saw today, just cuz she`s an ugly tramp. But whatevers, right? Whenever friends get involved with your "relationship" you know things are fucked up already... FUCK.

But Sunday night went movies with Justin, Angel, Amber, Dorian, Richard... Later that night, got into a fucking arguement with my mom in the car... when i got home i cried myself to sleep but whatever. Monday went to school left at lunch.. bitch asked me if i was supposed to be in school i told her some bullshit that i got out early because i`m a senior. Then buncha cops were driving by and one was walking towards.. and whit and i were going to james' house. I was just paranoid that the bitch called the cops on me. Came back around 2:30ish.. nobody was really around. Justin took off. Hung with Sammie and Melissa for a bit and then all the drama took off. I cried a lot.. because my mom was threatening me and shit. I kept saying to Melissa, Tierra and Sammie that I wanted Justin that i wished he was there. But he was gone... My mom told that me my dad called my english teacher and he said i wasnt in class (i have english 5th period.. after lunch) And my dad kept calling my phone which was after we saw the cop so i was SO scared lol. But yea i called back my dad he didnt answeer.. mom called me up. starting bitching some more. Said she'd go over to James' house and tell his mom not to let me come over anymore because i'm grounded. And left me a voicemail saying she'd go over to JOEY'S house and tell his mom not to let me come over.. what the fuck? I was like, "bitch, you don't even know where he lives. and thank god!" and shes like, "well i know his mom works at the church and i know where the church is." wtf u crazy whore. she ended up going to james' house. she talked to his mom and shit.. AND james told me that she asked him where justin was and where joey lived. WTF!! like hes gonna fucking tell you. i'm really sorry everyone... I ended up not going home yesterday and staying somewhere.. and not going to school today. And fuck i guess i had a productive day... haha not. but it was alright overall. Besides seeing that ugly ass tramp all over him. hmm.

i called my dad today "after school" and i apologized to him for not going home becaus ei was stressed out (wtf, i keep getting whiffs of justin's cologne.. wtf...) and he said it was alright and he understood. I told him i just couldn't go home i needed to get away from everything for just one night, after having my mother bitch at me for the past 2 days.. and he said we'd have a talk when he got home. I passed out when my mom dropped me off...  but he just came in the room... so it's time to "go for a drive." and i know i'm gonna end up crying again. I kept thinking about everything and just cried. Last week I was happy, but now it's all ending....

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edit::

shits just fucked up.. but god, do i hate that bitch. i got advice from people today.. and compliments.., i guess.

"out of all the chicks he's been with.. you're the hottest one. i don't know what the fuck his problem is." heh heh.. wow. that makes me feel really special... cuz i'm not THAT hot..

"i think he likes you, too. just tell him the truth. just go with your gut insticts." "yeah, i do that already." "just go with the moment. whatever happens, happens. whenever you have free time and you're alone.. just write a love letter." "yeah, i wrote him a letter." "no. write a love letter.. but don't give it to him." "okay." "what do you feel inside for him? happiness, frustration, lust, confusion?" "alll of the above..."

...but i`m going to try and change myself back to the heather that talked a lot more. the heather i was when i was in seattle. i talked..more. but not a LOT. and i gotta start not wanting a relationship.. just fuck all that already. fuck all that bullshit. it's too much dramas and shit. it makes you get drunk at 1130am. (heh, that happened today.. btw)

Things friday night/saturday morning.. were SO fucking weird. Went cruzin in waikz with whit, james, ginger, melissa, renee, sammie and her friend iris. Was all sad and shit cuz I wanted to be around somebody... and like a minute later, i see him. Ran into Justin. And ran into mah gangsta Joey and his 2 friends. Got ride back to Makiki from Joey and his friends. FUCKING FUN hahahaha. James needs to take it easy on ze alkie. I`m quitting drinking, it's not fun anymore.. And I want to not smoke ze weed anymore either. But IDK. Maybe only special occasions ;) Met up with Jason and Rutger at 3am lol got back to James' house at 4:20am heheheehe. didn't goto sleep til 5ish. woke up at 9. Im at home now. Heading back to Makiki soon. Party tonight? IDK.

February 24, 2005:::

Shiit.. haven`t updated this mother fucker in forever!!

Shits going much better. I`m actually semi-happy. Things with the ex are going great.. I really want things to work out. Been chillin at Joey`s house, good times. Thanks, man. Tonight was crazy though.. or maybe it's always like that and i'm just not around.. so many fucking people.

What`s up for this weekend? Not sure yet. Maybe a movie with Sammie.. and maybeeee justin? i mean, what.. Kay, yeah, i really don`t care what everyone else has to say. I KNOW my feelings and it`s MY LIFE.. so whatever. Just leave me be. kthx.